Growing Pains

Sometimes, everything is not okay.
Sometimes, you wake up WAY too early and can't get back to sleep because life is scary.
You lay in bed trying to fall asleep as the thought train continues to drive into a deeper, darker, even scarier tunnel.

Okay, maybe not YOU, but I know I am not alone in this.

I know I am only 23...but this is a process I know all too well. I used to lay in bed, letting life get more and more intimidating, but I like to think I have a better handle on things now.

These are the mornings I know I need to load up my awake and willing support group (Max & Benny), go for an almond milk, toasted marshmallow hot chocolate, and find a way out of my adversary lead feelings.

Here I sit, in the parking lot of my old elementary school, in my big girl car with a hot cup full of delicious, and the two best friends anyone could ask for.

Why am I scared? because growing up is HARD. It's so easy to forget why we're here...it's so easy to see existence from one year to the next. It's all too simple to believe your whole life rides on one or two decisions, completely out of your control. It's easy...to be a victim.

Life is hard, because being afraid is easy.

We don't always realize these mornings for what they are...but this morning, I do.

Or rather..I will...and that is why I'm writing...

Life IS a test...and sometimes it feels like a sick game. Can't I just prove myself and be done? Can't I just answer my Temple Recommend interview questions with a sincere heart, get an A+, and be on my merry way?

I guess not...

The blessings we are to obtain, through struggle, are worth more than that. If you are still struggling, you're still learning. If you are still learning, you are not done...and if you are not learning, oh honey, brace yourself because something is on its way for you. <3

These dark and cold mornings are an opportunity to walk away having learned something new, or to simply be drug down into a deeper despair.

Do I feel better? Have I taken a 180 and now I'm not afraid to be a new Mother? I'm not afraid that we'll never make it to our heavily weighted dreams? I'm not afraid I'll let everyone down in somehow someway?

haha...

NO.

I'm afraid...

However,
Unlike my irrational, random, and terrible thoughts creeping into my mind at 5am, I now know why I am afraid.

I am learning, and that is good.

I am growing in wisdom and that is honorable.

I am developing a more thorough understanding of the depth of my decisions and that is wonderful.

I am not asking "Why??!"

I am saying I can handle this. I am afraid, but I believe in my ability to succeed because of the power I possess as a daughter of a king.

No matter how negative life around me seems to get, I can choose to be positive. I can find peace in doing my best...again and again...and again.

PLEASE, DO NOT see this as a reflection of me. I have gotten everything I can from this lesson this morning. I pray, that you, may see it as a reflection on your life in some way. See it as a reflection on your spouses life, on your little sisters life, on your Mothers life.

We are all struggling and every morning, the super heroes in our life wake up and keep going. Be your own super hero. Find the super hero in those you love, in those who will benefit from being viewed in a light that will provide them with the positive energy to march on.

Love,

The Wilkinson's